SAINT NICK LIKELY TO AGAIN VIOLATE U.S. AIRSPACE

UNCLAS HELSINKI 000486 INFO ALL CONSULAR AND DIPLOMATIC POSTS SIPDIS E.O. 12958: N/A TAGS: HUMOR SUBJECT: SAINT NICK LIKELY TO AGAIN VIOLATE U.S. AIRSPACE REF: STATE 000001 ¶1. (U) Pol/Econoff traveled to Santa's Village on Wednesday, December 16 to meet with Preeminent Ambassador to the World, His Excellency Saint Nicholas, aka Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus regarding zero-emissions international travel, his continued unauthorized incursions into U.S. airspace, the high north issue and to glean some insight into who has been naughty and who has been nice in 2009 -- also known as "The List." ¶2. (U) Not surprisingly, St. Nick was reticient to discuss at length his unique form of zero-emissions international travel but did declare that external verification was not acceptable. When Pol/Econoff pressed for insight into how St. Nick's no-C02 fuel could be processed and industrialized to help secure the energy security needs of the United States, St. Nick mumbled something under his breath about "no-bid contract" but then refused to clarify and referred all future emissions questions to his Minister of Communications. ¶3. (U) Pol/Econoff delivered the reftel remarks to St. Nick regarding his continued unauthorized incursions into U.S. airspace. St. Nick's first response was to tuck his thumbs behind his belt and deliver a very loud, "Hohoho!" along with a wink. When it became clear that St. Nick thought that reftel remarks were a joke, Pol/Econoff re-stated the talking points, driving home the main message that U.S. airspace is sovereign and that we will view any further violations of this airspace to be a hostile act. St. Nick tersely declared that, "As a signatory to the Geneva Convention I have worldwide diplomatic status as a courier but if NORAD feels the need to harass me yet again then I welcome the challenge. Rudolph and his team have been working hard on a new stealth technology this year and we are confident that we will be able to complete our mission objectives." At this point Rudolph popped his head into St. Nick's office and threw a "V for Victory" sign at Pol/Econoff with his right hoof. Rudolph was clutching a jug of eggnog in his left hoof and appeared to be inebriated. ¶4. (U) It became clear that continuing to discuss reftel would not be productive so Pol/Econoff switched to the subject of the high north issue and Russia's claim to have planted a flag under the North Pole. At this point St. Nick became very agitated and said that several demarches by his Embassy in Moscow to the Russian government had been treated with disdain and that this situation is one of his government's foreign policy priorities. It appears that the Russian officials have a difficult time negotiating with velvet-clad elves. St. Nick is concerned about recent indications by Russia that they will turn off the gas supply to the North Pole at the height of the toy production season due to "technical difficulties." He then stated that Putin and Medvedev would not like the consequences of such an action but refused to clarify after Pol/Econoff asked if this comment referred to The List. This point of friction could finally lead to the North Pole joining the NATO alliance. ¶5. (U) Pol/Econoff then moved on to the final objective and asked St. Nick for a copy of The List for 2009. The Minister of Communications stepped in at this point and declared that, "We do not discuss matter of intelligence," but St. Nick waved him off and gave Pol/Econoff the following note written in what appears to be candy-cane syrup: "Nobel Peace Prize winners never get coal..." HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOUR CLOSEST EMBASSY TO SANTA'S VILLAGE!" ORECK