LATEST BUDGET FIGURES FORCE IRISH GOVERNMENT TO

C O N F I D E N T I A L SECTION 01 OF 02 DUBLIN 000137 SIPDIS E.O. 12958: DECL: 03/31/2019 TAGS: EFIN PREL ECON EI SUBJECT: LATEST BUDGET FIGURES FORCE IRISH GOVERNMENT TO GRIN AND BARE IT Classified By: Acting DCM Ted Pierce; Reasons 1.4(b/d) ¶1. (C) Summary: In light of greater than expected budget deficits and falling tax revenue, the Government of Ireland is investigating a number of unorthodox solutions to the financial crisis. While these proposals mark a dramatic departure from traditional methods, it is unlikely that they will be sufficient to right Ireland's economy. End summary. ¶2. (C) The Irish government is facing a budget deficit far in excess of original estimates, with latest figures showing a further Euro 2 billion decline in tax revenues. According to sources within the Taoiseach's office, tax hikes and budget cuts alone will be insufficient to close the gap. A contact in the Department of Finance told Emboff that elected officials from all political parties appeared to band together during an extended Sunday session at Fagan's Pub, located in former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's constituency. We spoke to Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Cullen who said, "(Former Taoiseach) Bertie bought a bit of the Black Stuff and before we knew it, he had the whole thing solved. If I'd have been Minister for Finance we never would have been in such a dire state." ¶3. (C) Poloff recently spoke with Tanaiste Mary Coughlan's special assistant who noted that, "Bertie, at one point just started laughing for no apparent reason. No one could figure it out until he said told us about his late-night visit to the Hibernian and National Gallery." (Note: On March 23, RTE, Ireland's national television and radio network, reported that semi-nude paintings of the current Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, were anonymously hung on the walls of two public art galleries earlier in the month. The perpetrator was not publicly identified. End Note) He continued, "I guess it was at that moment that Bertie got the inspiration for the calendar." ¶4. (C) As a result of the now-legendary "Fagan's Roundtable" session, the Taoiseach's office is expected to introduce a number of creative, revenue-generating projects. First, and perhaps most controversial, is a 2010 calendar featuring current government employees and, rumor has it, leading politicians in less-than-Ministerial photo spreads. Toward the tail-end of the Fagan's session, Mary Harney, Minister for Health and Children, reportedly exclaimed saucily "if someone wants to pay Euro 10,000 (USD 14,500) for that painting of Biffo just think what a glossy of Eamon (Ryan, Minister for Communications, Energy, and Natural Resources) might fetch." ¶5. (C) When asked about the potential market for the calendar, Foreign Minister Micheal Martin commented, "I think America is our best hope right now given the combination of the large Irish diaspora there, President Obama's ambitious stimulus package that should put extra spending money in people's pockets, and the willingness to spend that money on all things Irish. I mean if they'll pay good money to see Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance, they'll buy anything." Martin left the meeting muttering to himself, "Why he didn't stop with Riverdance, I'll never know." ¶6. (C) The Irish government clearly recognizes that the calendar revenues will not fill the entire shortfall in the government's budget. Therefore, in order to stave off the humiliation of an IMF-led bailout, the government will be announcing a much-discussed plan to copyright a number of traditional Irish terms and symbols, including shamrocks, leprechauns, shillelaghs, "your man," the use of the reflexive (yourself, myself, etc.) in place of the nominative (you, I, etc.),the color green, and the Boston Celtics. According to a well-placed source within the Department of Finance, "the time is right for this plan, especially now that the Boston Celtics are winning again. I mean, just think of the merchandising revenue from the sale of keychains and those bobble-head dolls." She added, "The government coffers should swell by at least Euro 10 million (USD 14.5 million) from sales of "shamrock shakes" alone." ¶7. (C) Government sources admit this effort faces significant obstacles not least of which is whether the whole scheme is legal. Brushing breaches of international intellectual property law aside, an Irish Justice Department said the government is facing stiff opposition to the plan from organizations representing so-called "little people." These groups have already begun to plan a worldwide day of protest and have threatened to sue the Irish at the WTO if the government goes forward with the plan. ¶8. (C) A press release issued by Deep Roy, who played all of the Oompa Loompas in the DUBLIN 00000137 002 OF 002 vastly-inferior-to-the-original-Gene-Wilder-i nterpretation, Johnny Depp vehicle "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," noted that, "We have fought valiantly against such derogatory terms as dwarf and midget. We are little people and for the Irish government to try to balance its budget on our backs is an abomination." He continued that a strong dose of wage deflation combined with a classic Keynesian countercyclical fiscal response would solve both Ireland's internal and external imbalances. Our Justice Department contact told us that General Mills' lawyers have held strategy sessions in Fagan's with Irish government attorneys in order to pass on lessons-learned derived from many years of ongoing "Lucky Charms"-related litigation. ¶9. (C) Comment: The expected measures have captured the imagination of Irish punters across the country. A local bookmaking agency, Paddy Power, reports that the odds are running against the government on all of the various initiatives. The government's silence on whether boxers or briefs will be the undergarment of choice in its calendar offering has been the biggest money-spinner for the bookies. (Note: Boxers appear to be the odds-on favorite but given the outward appearance of many officials, this appears to simply be wishful thinking. End note.) In spite of this intense interest among out-of-work gamblers, we expect these efforts to fall short of solving Ireland's financial dilemma. Happy April 1. FAUCHER